I Will Never Need Mr. Darcy Confessions of Love

A little less than a year ago (339 days to be precise), I gave Austin his birthday gift: a leather journal. It was a small token of my appreciation of our friendship, and I knew he had been wanting a new book for notes, so I took the liberty of getting one for him. Inside, on each page, I had written references for some of my favorite verses. 

On my 18th birthday he gave me a birthday gift: 

the journal I had given him. 

However, it was altered. Inside, he wrote out the verse that I had referenced, and wrote letters & notes to me. Let's just say it was one of the most precious birthday gifts I had ever received. Being the girl I am, I stayed up into the wee hours of the night taking in every note till the very last was read. 

While I don't read it every night, and it usually just sits on my dresser, it's always there as a reminder that my husband loves me. 

And that he has loved me for quite some time, and that he had loved me before I even dared wish he would love me. 

I guess sometimes I need that reminder. I get so busy with the hustle and bustle of life, that I forget.  I forget the small acts of kindness. I forget the quick glances & looks that scream 'I love you!' I forget the small squeeze of the hand that says 'I care about you'. And I think that the vast majority of us just forget.

 I keep finding that when we forget the everyday love, and just look for the big and extravagant, hollywood love, the Mr. Darcy confessions, the grand romantic gestures, we become discontent. 

And so, when I can feel myself falling into the sea of discontentment,

I read.

I read the journal full of love letters given to me by my love, Austin.

There is a very specific entry that always stands out to me. 

It reads:

"When the storms come, and they will, know that I will be there to weather them with you. I love you, Rachel, and I pray that I will daily be able to show that to you. God has a plan. Live it with me?"

And you know what?

  I will never need Mr. Darcy Confessions of love,

I just need Austin.

In little ways, in his own ways, he expresses his love for me daily. Whether it be starting the water for my shower, taking out the trash, letting me cuddle up, or making the bed,
it's an act of love.

This is the kind of love that will last, this is the kind of love that will weather the storms, and it is this kind of love that will not wear out.
It's the daily life love.

I think that once we get over the hollywood love, we can fully love & recognize the love in our life! The simple love & the everyday love. It's all quite beautiful.
And then, we learn what love is all about.

"Today God revealed something to me in very explicit detail. That being my duty, calling, and responsibility in loving you. That is, to protect you, your heart, your passion, and your innocence, and to serve you, your needs, your dreams, and your calling."
-Austin

The fact that Austin took time to define what loving me entailed, in a letter to me that I would not read for several months, means the world to me. But not only did he define it, he sought after what God's definition of loving me would be.

And you know what? Austin has stayed true to his vow:  he has loved me as Christ loved the church, and how God would have him love me.
In a simple, sacrificing love.

He's a heck of a guy,
and I'm so very blessed to call him mine.

Happy 5 Months.

For now,
Rachel Papp

The Sugar, Sticky, Sweet Stuff That Ultimately Gives You A Cavity: Pursuing an Authentic Love

"During the time I had spent pursuing my Lord, 
was a time that He was cultivating my heart and preparing it to love Austin. 

Not in an ushy-gushy way, but in the way that Christ loves me. 

Authentically."

A few weeks ago, Austin and I were talking about something from right before we had gotten married, and he said, "You know, I'm really glad we're over that sappy stuff." After seeing my confused, and slightly hurt facial expression, he said, "Now it's all real love." This statement got me thinking. I'm very glad that we are over the "sappy stuff", and that we are now able to experience an authentic love. 

It was the "sappy stuff" that once got me into a very hard place. 

So, I want to share a little about the things I learned, and the truths that I now know.
If there was one thing I wish I had known, is that until you surrender your greatest insecurities to God, you will be constantly battling them, and looking for ways to compensate for them. 

Looking for ways to "fill the void". 

It wasn't that I didn't know that I was supposed to give things up to Jesus, it's just a lot harder said than done. It wasn't until I realized what a mess I was did I fully understand what that statement meant. 

In my pursuit to compensate for the areas in which I felt inadequate, I ended up falling victim to the seduction of the sugar, sticky, sweet stuff. It was with these empty words and actions that I vigorously tried to fill my void, but to no avail ( surprise, surprise.) 

You see, I got so tangled up trying to make myself feel better, that I was willing to believe anything. The further I went down this road, the further away I was from the God who's love for me was overflowing. This broke my heart, but the situation seemed hopeless. 

I was no longer impressed by the fluff, that at first appeared good but now seemed to have given me a cavity.

 A cavity within the heart. 

A hole, a void, a true longing to be filled had developed in my heart. And I knew needed to happen. I needed a good cleaning, a washing of my sin, and a surrendering of myself to Christ. I needed to be filled with the only One who could satisfy. The One who said I was beautiful, and I knew that I could believe it. The One who could look past all my shortcomings and failures and still call me His child. 

Last Spring & Summer was a transformation of my life. One that opened my eyes to the Love that satisfies. 
It was an authentic love. 

At the very beginning of this process, Austin and I had started to talk. However, I needed to invest the time into my relationship with my 

One True Love,

 Jesus Christ. 

It was a long, eye opening season of my life, but I wouldn't trade it for anything. Occasionally, I would receive encouraging emails from Austin, but not once did he interfere with my ever so necessary time in growing my relationship with Christ. 

You know that cliche saying, "Dance with God and He will let the perfect man cut in."? It's true. At just the right time, God allowed Austin to come into my life and sweep me off my feet. This time, my heart was protected and guided by my Heavenly Father. I knew that unless I wanted to end up exactly where I had started, I would have to trust His will over mine. God orchestrated something so much more beautiful than anything I could have dreamed or hoped for. During the time I had spent pursuing my Lord, was a time that He was cultivating my heart and preparing it to love Austin. 

Not in an ushy-gushy way, but in the way that Christ loves me. 

Authentically.

What I learned from my experience is that when we take the reigns, and incessantly wander in a search for something to fill our heart, we usually end up in a downward spiral headed towards catastrophe. But if we let the free and incessant love of God cover us and fill us, we are protected from so much unnecessary hurt. 

In my case, all I wanted was to know that I was valuable. That I had worth. Instead of seeing what was right before my eyes, and after a hopeless search, all I ended up with was an empty, torn, and used heart. 

But the truth is this:

I am more precious to God than I could ever be to anyone on this earth.

Period.

I no longer carry the burdens that held my heart captive. If it hadn't been for Christ coming in to save the day, I would not have been able to authentically love Austin, because I still would be trying to fill that void in my heart. No matter how hard I would have tried, I never would have been satisfied. I still would still be filling my heart with whatever new sickening sweet stuff the world came up with. 

But, I am filled.

Filled with Him. 

And because of this, I can love my husband with a "real" love.

I wish I could say that I was the only one who had the unfortunate journey down the road of emptiness, however, I am not. All over the world there are men, women, teens, and children searching for something or someone to fill the voids in their hearts. 

It is my wish that those who are traveling the road of emptiness will come to a crossroad of where emptiness collides with God's true love. And that they would choose to allow God's love to pour over them, and allow Him to direct their paths. 
That they will not fall for the sugar, sticky, sweet stuff that the world feeds us, and that they will be satisfied in & through Christ. 

There is a true & authentic love out there, 

it's called Jesus. 

Pursue Him.

For now,
Rachel Papp

4 Months

This past weekend marked the fourth month that Austin and I have been married. While I cannot pretend that I know everything about relationships or that I know an inkling of the challenges the married life consists of, I can tell of my experiences thus far.     

Marriage has been one of the most rewarding experiences in my life. The joys of marriage have been overwhelming, and adjusting to a new life has been good. I will not say that it is easy, because it certainly isn't. It brings together two different people, two unique personalities, two fluctuating schedules, two sets of emotions, two upbringings, two diverse opinions, and two collections of habits. It would be foolish to think that everything would be peaches & cream all of the time. However, because we have had to overcome these complexities, it has strengthened our relationship. All of the differences between us have created opportunities to problem solve, compromise, and to learn to love the other another layer deeper.      

Something that I've learned about marriage is that it exposes the areas that you need to work on. Areas to grow & mature, and maybe an area where you need to learn to admit that you're wrong. It's not that your spouse is exposing your weaknesses, they're just trying to help you become a better version of yourself. To bring out the best in you, I suppose. Austin has been so great at addressing issues that I tend to want to shove into the corner, and while I may not like it at the time, I believe that it is this openness that will help build a strong foundation for our family.     

 Marriage is also teaching me about selfless love. A love like Jesus'. All that I can say is that one really never sees how selfish they are until they have to make joint decisions on practical things like money to unimportant things like what comforter should go onto the bed. We all have a tendency to make a decision based off of what would make ourselves more comfortable, not taking any consideration of anyone else. However, this mindset doesn't work in a marriage. It's all about serving the other with a cheerful heart. It's not easy, but we are to love our spouses in the the way that Christ loves the church, and that is with a selfless, sacrificing love. God's still helping me overcome my personal selfishness.      

While this is just an idea of the challenges of marriage, the joys outweigh the challenges. Growing together, learning about the other, and experiencing life together has been wonderful. I cannot wait to see what all God has in store for us.

 For now,
Rachel Papp